hello i love you

5/3/2024

Omg finallly fixed this site it was broken for asec idk why very annoying and i put off fixing it cuz i have been sooooo busy. Im in SF this weekend to spread my dads ashes im so tired i just want to have nothing to do. I just gotta do like 3 more hard things and then i will have. nothing 2 dooooo! I think i might just get really high and watch mvoies one day next week.

4/22/2024

Today i went to rehersal with this band im in that used to be called sprain. We were looking at the reddit thread for the band and someone posted something like "rehersing with new drummer" and then they had found my instagram and put a link to it lol. I think its like equally flattering and also maybe a little weird. I just dont want people to hold me over themselves but i also do like being appericated for my work so idk. I think as far as weird internet stuff goes this is more cool then weird but im just scared for when it does get weird because im sucha a anxious peron.

4/18/2024

My new Psych Rock Band Joys played our first show last night it was soooooo awesome i had so much fun! My mom was there which made me happy since she is litterly the reason i play drums. The music is so fuffling and fun. Since our band is called joys some how through the automated ticketing process the link to our show got put on the Current Joys spotify and like 40 people bought tickets to our show thinking it was Current Joys lol but honestly was a come up we talked to some of the people who came for Current Joys and they liked out band.

4/17/2024

I had a good day today :) I played music all day and im gonna see my mom tmr which is pretty cool anddddd im gonna play a show with my new band it will be very fun.

4/12/2024

This morning was very hard I cried lots and lots but then i went to a really cool reacording session in this really nice studio for school and that was epic and i went to a thrift store. They didnt have a cassette player which is wat i wanted but i got a kool shirt. I booked a show in Humboldt tho I feel like this tour is finally starting to come toghter im really really excited. Cuz even if I just did TJ, LA, SF and Humboldt so would be solid and it super easy to do more!

4/9/2024

I got back on LA on Sunday its very nice to be back but everything feels diffrent. My car isnt working ;-; i think i have to take it to the shop and its gonna cost me so much probaly. As long as i dont have to get a a new car i can deal but i scared for my tour cuz what if it doesnt work and then what will i do. IDK things will figure them selves out no point in gettign stressted out.

My dad left me this really cool camera (a Fuji Film v100) that i have been trying to learn how to use. I keep thinking about the idea of taking it with me on my tour and it makes me happy. Like I really want to go on like a really long tour in June and meet lots of cool people and in betwen each city i want to find cool places to go and vist like swimming hole or a cool store. i just want an adventure :)

4/4/2024

Today I read a letter my dad left me. It was very sweet and was a very nice letter but I think part of me felt underwhelmed. Maybe I just wish I had more than a letter. I do havea alot i think i just have so many things i want to ask my dad. I also saw dune II with my mom today. I keep thinking about how I could just plan an endless tour going from city to city maybe that would be fun.

4/3/2024

Arg my tummy hurt from to much pizza last nite

I am so lucky to have had my dad amoung the 21 amazing years I got with him he also left me with so many amazing things. Many of the gifts i have been enjoying are the lessons and epiphanys this week. Today I am thinking about how impotant it is to appericate small things. As i walk around my house I have been notcing and appericating everything. My parents put so much love into our house there are so many small things like for example they refuerbished (my dads least favorite word) all of these old door handels and replaced all our door handels around the house. Another thing i ntoiced today was the moss that grows on fence in my backyard.

A phsyical gift he left me is his Fender Deluxe. It was always my favorite guitar to play as a kid and I always thought it was his friends because they ahd traded that guitar for an amp but when I asked my dads friend about it today it turns out it my dads and he told his friend that he spesficly told him he wanted me to have it.

4/2/2024

Today my dad passed away. It was very beautiful he went very peacefully. I don’t really want to write about it today. My sister and my mom and I went to this really beautiful cliff view that looks out on to the beach and then got pizza and watched office space. Im gonna try and relax and be nice to myself tonight.

4/1/2024

This is a reminder to plan my tour today. I love HTML but holy shit I will go like 4 hours without relizing what im doing lol.

it makes me really happy that the best thing i can do for my music career is to make as many friends as possible and travel as much as possible. Im really excited about doing solo stuff because its so much more flexable i dont have to cordinate with other people and wait for them to get back to me and i can just sleep in my car if i need to anddddddd i might even not loose money on this tour since its just me.

Today was very weird. My dad is supposed to pass away tonight. I feel like I should be more sad than I am. I think the shock kind of wore off a little since he has been unresponsive for about. But it is super trippy to think about the my dads corpse being like 15 feet away from me. It all makes me think about how little control we have in our lives which has kind of been really nice to realize like things are just going to happen in my life and i cant control them and i can ether fight that and be anxious all the time or accept that that is how this beatiful life works.

I ended up going out tonight to go see the my friends bands I was talking about yesterday Zhara and High School I’m really happy I went it was so nice to be around people and music and after my friend Wes and I went up to the hill near my house and talked about life for a while which was super nostalgic to sitting on that hill in high school. Also this girl at the show asked me for my nubmer lol but i can never tell what peoples vibes are.

p.s. Celbrate The New Dark Age - Polvo is the record cuz wholy fucking shit what an amziang record :)

3/31/2024

I feel like my life is just on pauses right now. There is so many things I want to do but I don’t want to leave my house I guess because I feel like these are the last moments I will have with my dad even if he is totally unresponsive. It makes me think about attachment and the very western idea of like trying to prolong death as long as possible I feel like we so often choose pain over release. Maybe this is because how much money is made from the medical system in the United States. Like maybe we have been brainwashed into wanting to suffer and live longer because as long as we are alive there is money to be made and even when we aren’t capable of doing work anymore there is still money to be made off of treatment and even after we die there is money to be made. It’s pretty sickening to think about I mean alternatively it could just be more so a primal instinct to survive but im not sure. I definitely dont know if I would choose pain towards the end of my life but I think it can become redundant to think about what I would and wouldn’t do in whatever situation.

Any ways my friend Sylvie recommend this crazy fucking record. Like off the bat look at this insane album cover.

I have never heard anything like this its so good. I feel like I have been listening to so much music this week I have been getting super bored so this had been a nice breath of fresh air. Ok bye I love you

I randomly ended up going out last night.My friends Wes and Josh are in SF cuz they play in this band Zzzhara (I also play in a band with josh called Cellswan) and Wes and I have been in tonnnnn of bands together in the past. We went to this really old bar my dad used to go to called the 500 club it made me happy to think about. It was really nice to talk to people cuz I haven’t left the house in like almost 2 weeks. We were also with this band Highshool everyone was bullying Wes it was very funny. Very happy I went I needed to do something fun :)

3/30/2024

Hi ok this my first blog entree. Today was hard this whole week has been hard. My dad got cancer about 3 years ago he has about two days left of life. Despite that the despite that the beginning of today wasn’t that bad I decided to make this blog so I don’t go fucking insane *pause* I need to take an edible. Ok im back I think there is something wrong with me because my tolerance is so fucking high now like ive been taking 25mg every night and I don’t really feel that much. Anyways I distracted my self most of the morning making this blog and listening to music but then my dad peeded the bed and I had to help clean it up which is very difficult. For context he is totally unresponsive at this point he’s basically already gone and idk saying that feels kind of fucked up but like also it has me thinking alot about what it means to be person like at what point do you stop being someone. I guess as people we are just a collection of experience and I guess this is an experience that my dad is having but what’s the difference between a fucking set lungs that breath on there own and my dad. I wish I could think about this and it wasn’t the context of my dad. I think identity 100% self chosen and I think my dad doesn’t feel like him self but then who is the person that sleeps downstairs from me all day. Typing this out it sounds fucked up I still love him and i wish he could be here longer even if it was like how is now. Any ways whats up with that band Boris why are people so into that band I mean they’re cool but I kind of get bored listening to them. Ok bye I love you.

sorry im gonna write more since its my first day im very excited about this blog ill proably get bored and forget about in a week lol. just watched an interview with daney carey i would like to smoke weed with him dannery carey if you are reading this lets smokes sum weed ok bye i love you.

Going on neo cities and commenting nice things just to feel something