hello i love you

8/20/24

Last night i went out since it was my last night i could go out before i leave for my flight at 4am tmr. it was weird the music was nto very good and the people there were kind of sloppy which makes sense since i dont know if i could have fun there unless i was really fucked up. 5r/1RoqpR/bCocNgnF7E7Z0gNgEWKC5Hrc4v+EsCW1z9VJ8z4YYGuSmpLeBL2Nz1Wa8xT5Zjir0glO36kzORITuHvdXnaDtIApMIHouPO6p8vAnk4qBJIWMU3neKhZexV2dZspm+8yfJhftNOPkTAyCWS2QecIs9wo9vcnltM62RqOnv8sSgPahFGYA47o+pEIpB7IkBSoNdcXZrHh3v/MwLfaOeCpyasLsd1+t71Xhg++4efV/tFUu7Ubu24oR0

8/19/24

sad

they should outlaw guitarists with black turtle necks who where chains. not allowed.

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

8/18/24

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

8/17/24

Last night was pretty cool i hung out with my friend who i havent seen in a while and she took me to this crazy roof top party cuz it was the realease of this magazine and it was all these models and fashion people lol. it was wild there was a really pretty view of the huddison river and i treid ketamine for the first time. then we went to a bar called Thyme ive never seen anything like that before it was like this tiny bar and everyone just hung out oustide but there were like so many people. I like new york izzz fun cuz i dont need a car and i miss taking public transet.

8/16/24

ok i have now had like multiple experinces where i go out and there are a ton of a pretty people and i just dont talk to anyone but i thought about it and im just gonna be really confident and talk to people i think it will be alot more akward and werid then it will be and then at least if it is i can say that ive tried. I am also in new york this week cuz im moving my sister into college im really exctied izzzz gonna be fun hopefully i will meet cool new people.

8/11/24

i feel like such a fucking loser i dont know how to talk to people. i feel like socail skills have gotten worse in the past couple of years. idk why i am so unhappy often now. anyways alex gs band before he was alex g https://youtu.be/yMzJ7LrDnTw?si=foUxEneyMhmiNcJp

8/9/24

everything sucsk, i love mark winter and my band. New album (song/single) of the month D.L.I.M.C. November Cassingle

7/26/24

The past couple of weeks have been wild. The first part of it was just like non stopping partying, playing shows, epic hookups and musically I am the most content I have ever been in my life. But then also I owe my mom so much money. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this life stuff like how am I supposed to pay my rent. Also I feel like after having such fun and event filled week having less to do almost feels like a come down little bit. I want to write more but im really sleepy. also i have been reading tin tin.

7/1/24

I want to play drums so im gonna be short last show was soooooo epic and everything went way way way better than i expcepted epic way to end my tour and then i saw my friend wes band lozenge the next day epicccccc stylel. new album of the month is storm and stress :)

6/30/24

Tonight I am playing my last show of the tour. I am sooooooo tired and so ready to go back. I had to shut off the water to my house today becuase there is a leak in the sprinklers so my house has no water (and no wifi since the cable got cut during construction) hahaha but its ok im just happy to be sleeping in a bed. Last night I played a house show in Oakland which was pretty fun there where a good amount of people and all the other bands where super cool all intresting and diffrent music plus everyone seemed to be super into what i was doing which made me feel cool :). I ended up talking to this one person for a really long time about our dead dads it was a really nice experince i dont think i have talked to anyone who really understood since he passed away. Later after the show I went to El Farrilto in the misson to get some nachos and i was in line waiting when two guys behind me relized they didnt have any cash and the ATM was broken and so I payed for them and since the line was super long we had a really long converstion, they also grew up in SF and we were talking about that for a while one of them owned a print shop, it was super cool to talk about growing up in the bay made me nostglic. I think small moments of connection with strangers are what has made me feel content on this tour. one more show and 5 hour drive to go and then chillax time :)))))

6/28/2024

Ahhhhh okey I haven’t written anything thing in a couple of days bc i have just been driving / playing shows. Im gonna log all three days since I left the bay since I have so many thoughts because I have spent 19 hours in a car by myself and have been thinking alotttttt.

All in all I have honestly been kind really depressed. I’m very lonely and this tour is really grueling plus I am so fucking broke now but it’s also simple and exciting at times. I’m trying to not think about positives vs negatives like “was this worth it” and just live.

Wednesday I left for Humboldt from the bay I was fucking pretty awful the days prior I hadn’t rally done anything expect scroll on my phone be sad and go to a bar with some old friends. It was nice to have something to do and as I kept driving I felt alot better. I stopped in a small town called clowerville that was really beautiful and very town esk. I fucking love the north west so much it’s so still and mysterious and also nostalgic for me. My dad use to take me camping every year, he would pick me up and always have a Reeces and kikat in the back seat. I wish that was something we could come back to now that I’m older. I have been thinking about him alot I think it’s hard not to since ive had so much time to myself. I got the venue a little early and went on a walk across the bay that was near by it was so pretty the sun was setting and it was shimmering off the water. The show was ok, it was pretty dead which was to be expected but always a little disappointing. The other bands were cool and really nice but it wasn’t a hang like in San Diego when we would just non stop talk about music and then stayed out all night. My cousin and her husband came which was sweet and they treated me to dinner at this 24 hour diner that is in Humboldt. I had been there once a couple year ago when I was on tour and played a show there. I slept on an air mattress at my cousins house. She’s moving out and so none of there stuff was there but I was just happy to have a place to stay.

Thursday I left for Portland it was a 7 hour drive but honestly it’s some of the most beautiful scenery i love that drive so much. There is something ado masculine about driving by myself with nothin but my guitar. It was awesome I played music really loud and sang. Idk how to describe it like I hate this country so much but it felt I was connecting to all the good parts of it it just felt so picture esk (idk how to spell that). I got to Portland finally after 7 hours of driving… oh side track I really don’t like that they pump your gas for you there like idk its just weird like I can do that and then also u have to tip them. But I got to Portland got some food with the guy who set up the show August who was a friend of my friend Alex from Sprain / Shearling there was also someone playing at the show who had a sprain shirt on so that was pretty cool haha. it was chill I met some cool people but the show was pretty dead again. In addition to this I also didn’t have a place to stay since intallly I was gonna stay with august but then he needed up having to go to court in Washington the next morning and so I couldn’t stay with him. So my plan was to kind of just show up and see if I could sleep on anyones floor. The drummer from the first band offered to let me sleep on his floor which was soooo awesome I was super relieved. It was such an interesting interaction that was kind of so beautiful in a way like I just met this guy and he let me sleep on the floor of his tiny studio apartment it was one of those random acts of kindness that felt so human. I don’t even remember his name honestly but we stayed up a little bit and he told me that he worked for UPS and that he was super involved in the union which are called teamsters it was so cool he had all these jackets and he was telling me all this cool stuff about the history and just what its like it was so interesting getting to see his life in such a sudden an intimate way but to still have this layer of anonymity. We also talked a little bit about computer science and stuff because he went to school for computer science but didn’t finish. Anddddd he had a really cute cat so all in all was awesome.

Today I woke up at like 8am and just started driving it both felt really long a also not that long at the same time I think because I took lots of breaks, seems like thats the move for me generally but also thats easier in the north west highway like 101, 5, 199 since there’s soooooo much cool shit to stop and see but when I drive 5 south its just fields and gas stations :( I stopped in this cute town that I cant remember the name of it had that super old school 50s dinner north west vibe which I fuckinggggg love felt like being in gravity falls or something. I also stopped for a dip in the river since I haven’t showered in like 3 days. Felt soooo good got all clean and then kept driving. Now im just sitting in my cousins old house no one is here three nothing in here very odd. I think im gonna go to a show maybe that will make me less sad if I talk to people.

All in all it has been a very rich experience im just tired and sad and lonely and I want to be back in LA with my friends hanging out and sleeping in an actual bed. Also I have lost so much money and I don’t know what to do since I have to pay rent next week I guess I will ask my if I can borrow money but I feel bad.

6/24/2024

The last couple of days have been rough. The LA and SF shows were super dead like 5 people came to both which I mean I know thats just how it goes sometimes but it’s just the worst feeling honestly. I think after I finish this run I’m gonna focus more on recording and prating for a while. I really really wish I was able to get back into practicing like I used to I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to be consistent. I have been in the bay for 3 days now and idk I just feel like kind of a alone here I don’t really talked to a ton of people from here anymore and I have gotten to see some friends it just feels weird. Last night I went to this really cool show though and I got see this band Teethe that I really like I wish I could have talked to them more I only had a brief conversation with the bassist when I was buying a shirt. I wanted to bring up Sprain but I don’t want to seem like an asshole so I didn’t. I wish I talked to more people but I don’t know how to start conventions with people like that. I had one conversation with someone in line where I asked them what band they had come to see but then they were super weird and kind of rude to me some classic Bay Area shit people can be so mean here. At least in LA people are like fake nice. I went to this jazz bar after and that was cool I got to see my friend Laurel who I hadn’t seen in a while but I just feel kind of distant from a lot of the jazz people these days especially the jazz bros. Im going to Humboldt on Wednesday which I really hope is fun. I really wanna meet new cool friends. I have also had the house to myself for the last three days which is both cool and little bit weird also there is no wifi cuz there is construction being done on one the walls and they cut the satellite for some reasons?????? I think I’m just tired of working my ass off and being broke all the time.

6/18/2024

Hung out with my friend Gav today was really nice to see them we played drums for a little and listened to music! Im feeling a little congested and my throat has hurt since Friday I’m scared I’m getting sick but also this happens to me when its really dry out which is is crazy dry I hate summer weather. I fell like I also just have this medical paranoia like every time I experience some small symptoms I freak out and think I’m gonna die. I have always had that be the case since I was a kid but I think my dad getting sick has just made it worse cuz I remember when he was having swelling in his hands and was like this is bad this shouldn’t be happening to me and I was like oh well your probably gonna be fine dont stress about it. Gonna eat some curry maybe that help me not be paranoid. Have been really into Brazzlian music i want to get really deep into it trying to listen alot right now

6/17/2024

Being sad today about all the things I want to do in my life but dont have time for and all the things I will have to do because America is stupid. Very stressed about money looked at my bank account (big mistake) got one month of rent left and then idk what im gonna do. My job is chill but it very little hours should I get another part time job????? Should I try to teach more lessons???? Should I hope that things figure themselves out and hope for the best only the future will tell. Future Andrew lmk what you decide. I was reading all of my past blog entries today which was fun I’m at least glad that this little tour is going exactly how I wanted it to I hope Arcata and Portland are as fun I hope there are beautiful people for me to kiss there and awesome adventures. Would be nice if I made a little bit of money too but idk it’s rough out hereeeee on that front. Listening to Gary Burton Quartet alot I want to be really good at Brazilian finger style guitar like I wish I could just bust out some Brazilian tunes and sing in portuguese. okey im gonna go move boxes arghhhhadouhfdhouefohadhuo

6/16/2024

Ahhh man what an amazing weekend I felt good about my sets and shared a bill with some amazing artists made some beatiful new friends that I hope to keep in touch with for ever! This weekend really felt like an adventure it was extacly what I was looking for when I booked this tour.

Yesterday I played in Tijuana which was sooooo fun. The people there where very inviting and the venue was this like tiny punk esk coffee shop downtown, people would be like drinking beers out of various different glasses they severed there which was just fun since you don’t see people drinking beers in cafes like that in the US. The surreal part was crossing the border though. We parked close and then just walked through with our gear which is totally the move if you are ever going just for the day since driving takes forever!!!! Going from the US to Mexico was just basically walking through, there was like one metal detector that wasn’t even really being attended. The annoying part was crossing back over from Mexico to the US the line was like sooooooo long it was this very performative security thing were we waited in line for an hour or more to basically then just have someone scan our passport. I love going to places that make me feel ashamed to be American lol makes me feel like I’m doing something right. Another crazy thing was that after the show my friend was talking to one of the people who helped organize the show and had invited her to come play a show in San Diego to which told us that she wasn’t able to come to San Diego at all without a visa not even for a day or anything like that. Which was wild I guess I should have known that but didn’t realize. It is just so strange because getting from where we were staying to the venue was the same distance as me like going from my house to down town LA. I know we say this all the time but it was crazy to see how we make arbitrary constructs like boarders into these very real separations. After we got back from TJ we went out dancing again which was so fun. I love SD every time I visit it makes me want to live here such a wonderful city. I hope the rest of this tour will be as fun as this weekend. <3

6/14/2024

First day of my tour was today!!! SO EPIC. drove down in the morning once you get out of OC its sooooo beatiful. Played the show, super fun bill in a super rad space called The Brown Building made a bunch of new freinds and had really beatiful conversations and then afror we went to this bar called the Whistle Stop there was like an 80s night thing going on which was rad cool 80s waseship band that sound like tears for fears or like the cure or something now im at my friend Zanes house about to go to sleep on his couch and then tommrow im gonna explore San Deigo and then go to Tijuana. Yayyyyy life is good. Miss my bestie tho :3 but soon we will be hanging out.

6/5/2024

Saw my siter gradute high school today was so wholesome and epic. weird to be back at the place i graduated from tho.

6/4/2024

IDK what to make the album of the month have been listening to lots of mid. Youtube lowkey got good music recs tho. Ashlen said I have lost my pazzaz yesterday i think this is true idk why feeeeeel weirdddd latletly not sure y hmmmmmst

5/24/2024

I am Flodria this weekend. In my dads directions on final wishes he requested that in addtion to spreading his ashes that we go to have a dinner with his dads family to celabrate him in addtion to spreading his ashes. I have been dreading this trip I really dont like Flordia and also flying stressed me out anddddd i have been traveling a lot (sorry gonna keep complaining) and also the house is like painfully tacky, there is a wood letter relax hot glued to a shity ikea cabnet. makes me sad i wish people still had taste like everything is so cheap now i feel like there is so little beauty left in the US. I think I have an irrtional fear or flying but also i think that is normal. It just stresses me out cuz of tsa and like you get there early and hope your flights dont get delayed. argghghghghghg if u cannot tell i am stressed out.. ok i am going be not stressed out. I miss my friends. Soon i will be back to playing lots of drums just gotta float through these next couple of days. oh also listening to loose fur its Jim Orakes and two of the guys from Wilco pretty sweag.

5/22/2024

I know this kind of cliche butttt. Good things keep hapening to me like i feel like im fucking winning at life i think about everything ive done this week its so awesome its like a dream and im in a cool band and we are going to tour but i keep getting scared that its gonna stop being good. Like it has to eventulty it makes me think about when i was a kid and i didnt worry about stuff like this i was just chilling enjoying my life until highs school. what do they say when people say that some shit like your affriad to be happyy or something like that idk maybe? but dont think so i just aware that something bad will evnetully happen in my life. i rememebr having the time of my life being drunk out of my mind at a party and thinking the same thing and then bad stuff did happen. i just hope that maybe i can deal will easly or maybe my life could take a break from being hard for a couple years again that would be nice. well see.

5/18/2024

Hi Ava. I am in San Francisco now for a show. gonna be epic. Things i did since last time i made an entry Went on a hike, met calroline polacheck and AG Cook, The other thing (secret), watched a really good movie called i saw the tv glow, saw Arto Lindsy at Zueblon Zebulon idk something like that. Now watching drag race with Ashlen.

5/3/2024

Omg finallly fixed this site it was broken for asec idk why very annoying and i put off fixing it cuz i have been sooooo busy. Im in SF this weekend to spread my dads ashes im so tired i just want to have nothing to do. I just gotta do like 3 more hard things and then i will have. nothing 2 dooooo! I think i might just get really high and watch mvoies one day next week.

4/22/2024

Today i went to rehersal with this band im in that used to be called sprain. We were looking at the reddit thread for the band and someone posted something like "rehersing with new drummer" and then they had found my instagram and put a link to it lol. I think its like equally flattering and also maybe a little weird. I just dont want people to hold me over themselves but i also do like being appericated for my work so idk. I think as far as weird internet stuff goes this is more cool then weird but im just scared for when it does get weird because im sucha a anxious peron.

4/18/2024

My new Psych Rock Band Joys played our first show last night it was soooooo awesome i had so much fun! My mom was there which made me happy since she is litterly the reason i play drums. The music is so fuffling and fun. Since our band is called joys some how through the automated ticketing process the link to our show got put on the Current Joys spotify and like 40 people bought tickets to our show thinking it was Current Joys lol but honestly was a come up we talked to some of the people who came for Current Joys and they liked out band.

4/17/2024

I had a good day today :) I played music all day and im gonna see my mom tmr which is pretty cool anddddd im gonna play a show with my new band it will be very fun.

4/12/2024

This morning was very hard I cried lots and lots but then i went to a really cool reacording session in this really nice studio for school and that was epic and i went to a thrift store. They didnt have a cassette player which is wat i wanted but i got a kool shirt. I booked a show in Humboldt tho I feel like this tour is finally starting to come toghter im really really excited. Cuz even if I just did TJ, LA, SF and Humboldt so would be solid and it super easy to do more!

4/9/2024

I got back on LA on Sunday its very nice to be back but everything feels diffrent. My car isnt working ;-; i think i have to take it to the shop and its gonna cost me so much probaly. As long as i dont have to get a a new car i can deal but i scared for my tour cuz what if it doesnt work and then what will i do. IDK things will figure them selves out no point in gettign stressted out.

My dad left me this really cool camera (a Fuji Film v100) that i have been trying to learn how to use. I keep thinking about the idea of taking it with me on my tour and it makes me happy. Like I really want to go on like a really long tour in June and meet lots of cool people and in betwen each city i want to find cool places to go and vist like swimming hole or a cool store. i just want an adventure :)

4/4/2024

Today I read a letter my dad left me. It was very sweet and was a very nice letter but I think part of me felt underwhelmed. Maybe I just wish I had more than a letter. I do havea alot i think i just have so many things i want to ask my dad. I also saw dune II with my mom today. I keep thinking about how I could just plan an endless tour going from city to city maybe that would be fun.

4/3/2024

Arg my tummy hurt from to much pizza last nite

I am so lucky to have had my dad amoung the 21 amazing years I got with him he also left me with so many amazing things. Many of the gifts i have been enjoying are the lessons and epiphanys this week. Today I am thinking about how impotant it is to appericate small things. As i walk around my house I have been notcing and appericating everything. My parents put so much love into our house there are so many small things like for example they refuerbished (my dads least favorite word) all of these old door handels and replaced all our door handels around the house. Another thing i ntoiced today was the moss that grows on fence in my backyard.

A phsyical gift he left me is his Fender Deluxe. It was always my favorite guitar to play as a kid and I always thought it was his friends because they ahd traded that guitar for an amp but when I asked my dads friend about it today it turns out it my dads and he told his friend that he spesficly told him he wanted me to have it.

4/2/2024

Today my dad passed away. It was very beautiful he went very peacefully. I don’t really want to write about it today. My sister and my mom and I went to this really beautiful cliff view that looks out on to the beach and then got pizza and watched office space. Im gonna try and relax and be nice to myself tonight.

4/1/2024

This is a reminder to plan my tour today. I love HTML but holy shit I will go like 4 hours without relizing what im doing lol.

it makes me really happy that the best thing i can do for my music career is to make as many friends as possible and travel as much as possible. Im really excited about doing solo stuff because its so much more flexable i dont have to cordinate with other people and wait for them to get back to me and i can just sleep in my car if i need to anddddddd i might even not loose money on this tour since its just me.

Today was very weird. My dad is supposed to pass away tonight. I feel like I should be more sad than I am. I think the shock kind of wore off a little since he has been unresponsive for about. But it is super trippy to think about the my dads corpse being like 15 feet away from me. It all makes me think about how little control we have in our lives which has kind of been really nice to realize like things are just going to happen in my life and i cant control them and i can ether fight that and be anxious all the time or accept that that is how this beatiful life works.

I ended up going out tonight to go see the my friends bands I was talking about yesterday Zhara and High School I’m really happy I went it was so nice to be around people and music and after my friend Wes and I went up to the hill near my house and talked about life for a while which was super nostalgic to sitting on that hill in high school. Also this girl at the show asked me for my nubmer lol but i can never tell what peoples vibes are.

p.s. Celbrate The New Dark Age - Polvo is the record cuz wholy fucking shit what an amziang record :)

3/31/2024

I feel like my life is just on pauses right now. There is so many things I want to do but I don’t want to leave my house I guess because I feel like these are the last moments I will have with my dad even if he is totally unresponsive. It makes me think about attachment and the very western idea of like trying to prolong death as long as possible I feel like we so often choose pain over release. Maybe this is because how much money is made from the medical system in the United States. Like maybe we have been brainwashed into wanting to suffer and live longer because as long as we are alive there is money to be made and even when we aren’t capable of doing work anymore there is still money to be made off of treatment and even after we die there is money to be made. It’s pretty sickening to think about I mean alternatively it could just be more so a primal instinct to survive but im not sure. I definitely dont know if I would choose pain towards the end of my life but I think it can become redundant to think about what I would and wouldn’t do in whatever situation.

Any ways my friend Sylvie recommend this crazy fucking record. Like off the bat look at this insane album cover.

I have never heard anything like this its so good. I feel like I have been listening to so much music this week I have been getting super bored so this had been a nice breath of fresh air. Ok bye I love you

I randomly ended up going out last night.My friends Wes and Josh are in SF cuz they play in this band Zzzhara (I also play in a band with josh called Cellswan) and Wes and I have been in tonnnnn of bands together in the past. We went to this really old bar my dad used to go to called the 500 club it made me happy to think about. It was really nice to talk to people cuz I haven’t left the house in like almost 2 weeks. We were also with this band Highshool everyone was bullying Wes it was very funny. Very happy I went I needed to do something fun :)

3/30/2024

Hi ok this my first blog entree. Today was hard this whole week has been hard. My dad got cancer about 3 years ago he has about two days left of life. Despite that the despite that the beginning of today wasn’t that bad I decided to make this blog so I don’t go fucking insane *pause* I need to take an edible. Ok im back I think there is something wrong with me because my tolerance is so fucking high now like ive been taking 25mg every night and I don’t really feel that much. Anyways I distracted my self most of the morning making this blog and listening to music but then my dad peeded the bed and I had to help clean it up which is very difficult. For context he is totally unresponsive at this point he’s basically already gone and idk saying that feels kind of fucked up but like also it has me thinking alot about what it means to be person like at what point do you stop being someone. I guess as people we are just a collection of experience and I guess this is an experience that my dad is having but what’s the difference between a fucking set lungs that breath on there own and my dad. I wish I could think about this and it wasn’t the context of my dad. I think identity 100% self chosen and I think my dad doesn’t feel like him self but then who is the person that sleeps downstairs from me all day. Typing this out it sounds fucked up I still love him and i wish he could be here longer even if it was like how is now. Any ways whats up with that band Boris why are people so into that band I mean they’re cool but I kind of get bored listening to them. Ok bye I love you.

sorry im gonna write more since its my first day im very excited about this blog ill proably get bored and forget about in a week lol. just watched an interview with daney carey i would like to smoke weed with him dannery carey if you are reading this lets smokes sum weed ok bye i love you.

Going on neo cities and commenting nice things just to feel something